The Day PDAs Almost Ruled the World: An Alternate History
January 22, 2024 |
What if I told you we were THIS close to living in a PDA-dominated timeline? Gather 'round, dear readers, as I share the story of how Personal Digital Assistants nearly became our overlords.
The Year: 2007
In our timeline, some fruit company released a "phone" with no keyboard. Pfft. But in the alternate timeline (let's call it Earth-PDA), here's what happened:
January 9, 2007: Steve Jobs walks on stage. "Today, we're reinventing the stylus." The crowd gasps. He pulls out the iPalm - a Palm Pilot with an Apple logo. It has THREE styluses. One for writing, one for precision tapping, and one that's just decorative.
"We think you're going to love tapping really small buttons with extreme precision." - Steve Jobs, Earth-PDA
The Graffiti Revolution
On Earth-PDA, Graffiti handwriting recognition became SO advanced that keyboards went extinct. Children learned Graffiti before they learned to print. Wedding vows were exchanged in Graffiti strokes. The Constitution was rewritten in Palm OS shorthand.
Example of advanced Earth-PDA Graffiti:
Shakespeare's works were condensed to 3 pages of efficient Graffiti symbols. College students rejoiced.
The Great Sync Wars of 2010
As PDAs grew more powerful, syncing became a competitive sport. The Olympics added "Speed HotSyncing" as an event. Athletes trained for years to achieve the perfect cradle-docking motion. The world record: 0.3 seconds from pocket to fully synced.
National conflicts arose over sync protocols. The USB Peace Treaty of 2011 barely prevented World War III when Palm and Microsoft couldn't agree on cable standards.
PDA Culture Takes Over
Fashion changed dramatically. Cargo pants became formal wear - you needed pockets for your main PDA, backup PDA, spare batteries, multiple styluses, and sync cables. The "PDA holster" replaced the necktie as the symbol of professionalism.
Dating apps? No. Singles would "beam" their contact info via infrared. Rejection meant turning your PDA away. Romance meant successful data transfer. Marriage proposals were done via synchronized calendar appointments.
The Stylus Renaissance
By 2015, stylus technology had advanced beyond imagination:
- The TurboStylus 3000: Vibration feedback, LED tip for night writing, built-in laser pointer
- StyluxPro: Gold-plated, perfectly weighted, came with its own insurance policy
- The Quantumstylus: Used quantum entanglement to write on your PDA from up to 10 feet away
The Modern Era (Earth-PDA 2024)
Today on Earth-PDA, PDAs have evolved into powerful devices the size of credit cards but requiring briefcase-sized accessory kits. Every citizen carries minimum 5 styluses (for redundancy). Children learn Graffiti in preschool. "Finger painting" refers to using your PDA without a stylus - considered crude and uncivilized.
Social media exists, but posts are limited to what you can write in one HotSync session. This has made humanity significantly more concise and thoughtful. World peace was achieved when everyone was too busy organizing their Palm Desktop categories to wage war.
Back to Our Reality
Alas, we live in the timeline where people tap glass with their greasy fingers like barbarians. But we at PDA Perfection keep the dream alive! Every stylus tap is a small rebellion against our finger-touching overlords.
Join us next week when we explore "What if BlackBerry Trackballs Became Sentient?"